Written : 9/30/2007
The birds were chirping although the morning seems pleasantly quiet. As usual I woke up early in the morning but quite earlier. The sky seems cloudy but my mind was blurred and fizzy. I couldn’t recall myself where the shadow was lieing and whether it was present, past or future. However, I can recall it must have been the wonderful past that has always been memorable in my life. The shadow keep on insisting me it's neither dead nor alive but was lost somewhere far in the horizon for quite a long period of time, maybe more than six years. I couldn’t differentiate the reality and the dream; both of them were analogy for me.
I was confused, lost and scared. As the sun starts to glow and the glistening rays starts to strike the walls of my room. I feel the world is moving and moving as usual. Finally, the birds were chirping and the sun was moving and the dawn has arrived. The dead shadow was gone forever but still the memories were in my mind eccentrically resided.
Oh..I can't believe! She is alive. I was recalling myself where I was for the last six years. Is it a trauma or nightmare that has been escaped for such a long period of time? I feel I lost her but eventually I find her. I was looping, iterating and couldn’t come out of the web that has been sewed inside my brain for the last twenty-eight years.
I was talking to her. Mama you are still alive. I am sorry for you as I couldn’t contact you for the last six years. She didn’t give me any compliments nor did she repel. I feel she was happy although surviving hard in the bed of hospital. It was more than six years she was with Cancer- the disease that has always been the challenge to the modern medical developments and achievements. She is weak, blatantly weak but again her words were powerful and very strong.
I peep through my window. World seems to be moving, not fast as I have anticipated but it's moving. The peoples have started their activities, the students were moving and the cold frenzy air was making the environment superb. I looked amazingly to all the six walls of my room. They are there! Where should they go? Where am I?
She has been staying in the hospital bed for more than six years. I asked myself? Where I was for such a long period of time? Everything has changed since then. I have girl-friend. I am getting married, I have been to china. The clock is rotating so fast and unbeaten. The dead shadow was not there to stop it. Why?
Soon I started to enjoy the bed-tea. It was good. As usual, I couldn’t do anything without tea. I am a tea maniac. I love tea. Sometimes I drink, maybe dozen cups of tea. I am a voracious drinker. The sun became stronger. The activities were increasing tremendously. Nothing could stop it not even the dead shadow.
Grandma you are still with us. It's hard to believe. You are not a dead shadow that has been with me for such a long period of time. I miss you so much grandma. I want to hear that fairy tale. I remember, the time you use to buy me noodles. God Dam! Are you still here? Where have you been for so many years?
Finally, the time was moving so fast, the morning was becoming day and I have to rush for my daily schedule. Good-bye to everything even to the dead shadow that is still lingering in my mind. I realized it was a dream, a dream of dead shadow that’s never going to end.